Today I sat outside and did nothing. It wasn’t for very long, but it was remarkable. It was rest. It was space. It was ease. And it was uncomfortable as fuck, until it wasn’t. I went outside to eat my lunch on my restoration hardware indoor/outdoor couch that I have not spent enough time on, in the home that I love that I have not yet made my own in terms of décor and things on the walls, but is already my own by its sheltering of me and my kids and my beautiful life post shit storm. The cats were playing in their catico. Yes, that is a thing, and yes, I have one. It consists of a mesh tube that runs from a cut in screen door to a mesh tent. I put Timber’s old dog bed in there and a water dish which I’m not seeing at the moment, the kids must have moved it for some reason only they would know. Acorn and Topaz love their catico. 

Anyway, focus. After lunch, instead of rushing to the next thing, I sat. I watched the tall plants in my garden, a wheat like grass, a purple plant that I think is catnip, some pink flower looking things, and lots of green. MY garden. I watched the quaky leaves dance on their branches. I saw the mountain just out my door, the mountain I will hike later. I heard the lawn mower going on the property next to mine. I sat. And sat. And resisted the urge to do. I sat and tried to take in, this is my life. This is my house. These are my cats. These are my plants. True on the one hand, and entirely false on the other. Both perspectives necessary, like wings on a bird. It’s a strange thing to finally step into your own, in a deep and fundamental way, in a primal and feminine embodiment. It was my life before, but really it belonged to my human. It has been mine for a while now, mine since I realized I was nothing, I’m coming up on five years. It’s good to pause and feel the depth of my insignificance that also lives in this embodiment. This strange human vehicle that loves to do.

There is so much power in not doing anything. Nothing. Like, an entirely no-demand state. I know that because I resist it like a motherfucker. It is, in a word, hard. Very hard. One of the hardest things I do, and I was doing very hard things before Glennon made it popular. This rest thing, this space thing, this ease thing, this doing nothing, it is hard. 

And so fucking beautiful it makes my heart ache. And the fear immediately follows that it might go away. That this doing nothing might somehow be taken from me, obviously and only by myself and my human. But still, that is also a powerful force. If she can’t make me do something, she’ll create anxiety that I may not be able to do nothing. Or that once I start resting, I’ll forget how to do. Sweet funny human.

And so I sat. And I watched my mind want to write about it. Then want to make a list to get ant spray for the fire pit and check Grace’s packing list for Tetrathlon this weekend. Then check my calendar to make sure that my next client was still my next client. 

I watched her and I sat. 

For some time, this idea of building some space and ease and rest into my life has been quite appealing. It has appeared on multiple to do lists. Multiple year end recaps and planning. I’ve written about taking rest. I’ve read about taking rest. I planned a lot when I was going to take rest. I planned what I would do while I was taking rest. How would I rest, active, as if rest was a verb with various connotations of actions. I finally trumped it with I surrender. That’s kind of like rest, sort of, but not entirely, not really at all, and entirely if it means taking rest in the unfolding.

Today, I just sat. I jumped a fucking Everest of my own and just sat. It came without warning. I just did it. A spontaneous meditation of sorts.

It’s like when Jenny said, “Stop writing about writing and write.” Well, that’s a simple concept. The kind that lands like a thunk in your chest and reverberates through your body as truth. Yep. Just write. 

Yes, just rest. 

Yes, just sit. 

Yes, just see. Just feel. Just know. 

Just be. 

Empty and be my love, empty and be. 

And let the emptiness guide us. It’s way more fun that way. Weee. No hands. Be.  

Amen.